Saturday, March 18, 2006

Lightness and weight...

I danced like crazy... again. I had an amazing time... again.

Somehow life has been so light lately, almost unbearable. Almost like I lost that weight of getting deeply attached, the weight of deep responsibility, the weight of grief. I work, I go out, I read, I paint. I watch movies, I have stupid crushes, I cook, I sleep. That's it. Life has turned into a calm river which has gone passed the mountains. Or so it seems.

And then there is the weight of one phonecall, one conversation, and reality hits me like a steep waterfall in the path of my river. I keep on falling under the weight of so much water and don't know where to find balance. I fall back to my childhood, back to so many memories and regrets. Can I do things differently? Can I change who I am to connect like I used to? Useless, powerless, not knowing what to do. Everything else turns superfluous...

I watched "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" the other day, when life was still light. Again I went back in time, only much closer to the present. I was at Cornell, working in Upson CIT Lab, it was almost 2 am and I wouldn't close the lab because I was reading Kundera's amazing book. But this time I didn't find myself in the same character I did long ago. I looked at my past and I saw Tereza, so long ago, so innocent. And a few days ago, was I Sabina? I reinvented myself it seems, or was I always this way? Is there still a Tereza hidden somewhere deep under layers of indifference? And who is my Tomas? I could think of someone, maybe you, but then I would be Sabina again. Because if I ran away, you wouldn't follow. Because if I ran away I wouldn't want you to follow..Sabina again. Would Tereza have called you last night to alleviate the weight. She would have wanted to, and so did I. But I didn't because Sabina would have never needed you. I miss the time when I was a Tereza wanting to become Sabina.. now it's the other way around. The Tereza in me has been dieing slowly...

And now the lighness is gone... there's weight but it doesn't change me. I though if I could lose lighness and become heavy I would change into who I used to be. But I still paint, I still work, I still go out. Like nothing changed and I wonder whether a river can flow calmly down a waterfall.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home